A Week Person, followed by rambling.

Everyone I know looks forward to Fridays, to finally have their weekend start, and dreads the quickly approaching Monday. For some reason though, I've always been the exact opposite. 

In a way I suppose this is a good thing, I get a full 5 days of what I enjoy while other people get 2 or arguably 3, depending on how eventful they manage to make a Friday night. However, I absolutely despise the weekend. 

Currently, I'll admit, I don't really have a difference in my schedule as far as working or school goes, between the week and the weekend. This doesn't stop me from still loving the week. I believe I may love it for entirely cruel reasons, like all of you are so extremely busy during the week. We all know once the weekend comes around, the chances of you choosing to hang out with me over any other plan possible is slim to none. I am a last resort, which is fine, I suppose. This post isn't me being angry about that, which occasionally I do get upset over, it's just recognizing why I enjoy the week so much more. 

When you have less free time every night or day to make real plans, hanging out with me seems like an acceptable option.

Perhaps I'm just too boring? I know that maybe if I was more fun, I wouldn't be stuck at home consumed in my own horrible thoughts all weekend. I would absolutely love to be like everyone of your other friends, and be able to do stuff with you on the weekends. However, this will probably never be the case, especially while I'm stuck in this awful state of Ohio.

Why else do I love the week? Well, I like to stay busy. Working, going to class, running errands, having things to do, stuff to occupy my mind. 

I really do need to currently occupy my mind. It feels like on the weekend I walk down a very very thing tightrope, and the slightest waver in either direction will make me fall off. Normally falling off would be okay, because there'd be someone to be my net and to catch me. Not now though. I can't always rely on other people to save me. It's really rather pathetic how badly I just need support from someone sometimes, even in just the smallest ways. Sometimes, people don't even know they're saving me, just by texting me about some silly nonsense or some unimportant topic. It means so much just to hear from you.

However, I can't keep lying to myself and telling me that I matter to you. I know I don't, and I need to stop hoping someone will catch me when I need it. I know the truth inside, and it brings tears to my eyes just to think this thought but I know that...

I am at the bottom of your list.

I hate how often I just crave for someone to randomly tell me that I matter, that they care, that I mean something. But it never comes though, which makes me need it so much more.

Pathetic. Sickening. This is my personality? How did I become so broken? I blame my family for never telling me they love me while growing up, or anyone else really. It's all I need. I just want to be special. Gah. If only I could be somebody else, like that person, or maybe him. Yeah. The problem here is clearly who I am. 

Basically, being everyones last choice, of minimal importance, absolutely pains me to the very core. Can I not be like everyone else? Can I not matter?

These thoughts flood my head and make me feel even more sick to my stomach about myself. I try not to be down on myself, but I know the truth, and I can't stop what I'm thinking. I always debate deleting all of these, writing it in this book instead, but that'd probably be a bad decision. 

What to do, what to do?

-Xan

The Music

I miss how it sounds.

-That One Person

This Isn't Good

I feel empty. Not sad, just empty. It's like there's really nothing inside of me any longer. Have I been hurt too many times?

On so many occasions have I searched for love, and romance, but sadly it seems, romance is dead in this sex crazed world.

What else is new though, besides this horrible feeling I keep getting. Well, I can count on one hand how many hours of sleep I've gotten in the last week, which certainly can't be healthy.

Also, I've been trying to learn how to play D&D, but in this desolate and not so geek friendly area that I live in, I can't find a single solitary person who knows how to play. I just need a hobby that will let me escape my mind. The longer I think, the worse.

Someday, I can hope, someone will come and save me from this place.

Hm, I think that could be everything?

Oh wait... this morning I woke up having one of those seizure things where I'm concious and fighting in the whole time. All I can think about the whole day when those happen is how much I will never forgive my family. The doctor tells me they could've fixed it had I gotten my head checked out after the first few times it happened, hundreds later though, not so much. I'll just never forgive them for growing up and having them in the morning, screaming for help, and being told that I was lying for attention.

Maybe I just need to sleep, or something.

End rant.

-That One Person

Android

It's a party over here on the fun, non-frustrating, side. No longer do I have to be frustrated with the limited capabilities of my old iPhone.

Right now I am blogging from the passanger seat of a car on my netbook. How? Free Wi-Fi tethering. I can literally use this phone to give my netbook Internet anywhere. I love it.

Also, the GPS being spot on is amazing. My iPhones occasionally placed me in the wrong flippin' state. Free voice directions is a plus, not just for me but for my parents, who also switched.

They travel extensively, pretty much every weekend, and the cause of much argument was always directions. No longer does my father have to freak out over the iPhones wrong GPS location or my mothers often incorrect interpretation of the rarely correct ones.

"That phone saved our marriage." - My parents

Although that may be a little over dramatic, it removed almost all bickering from road trips.

It really is an excellent thing. I immediately found powerful replacements for the apps I used on my iPhone. Plus, I can background download/install these apps without freezing them.

The apps are much more powerful to, with my 1.2 ghz overclocked processer and multitasking, its like a mini computer.

Being able to do insane things to my phone easily my iPhone would've needed hacks for is priceless.

Now I've reached my destination, may post later.

-That One Person

Deletion

de·le·tion

n. 1. The act of deleting; complete removal.

I guess that is what I should do. It crossed my mind that perhaps there are a few previous posts I should delete, but I ended up changing my mind. Decided that I should keep them around because at the time, they were relevant.

So then, what is being deleted? Certainly not any of my "precious" blog. Perhaps some emotions, but is that enough? I really wonder.

In the past I've buried feelings, hid emotions, changed entire parts of who I was, but is that really enough? Am I not the same core person inside? I am not the same person as I was, but I guess I may be completely the same.

There really isn't any conclusion that I have come to, no answer, no solution. Who I am isn't exactly right, it's like I can taste my own hatred of myself because it's so strong.

No matter what I say or do I still have the same core of me, which just isn't good enough. I've tried many times but still I suffer from the same thing, the same absence. I'm always too geeky, too weird, too ugly, too much of something.

It's Ohio, it's killing me. No one here is like me, and if they are they're just too good. There has to be somewhere in the world where people are geeky, yet have low enough expectations for me. I'm not sure what to do. Ohio is sucking the life out of me, I can't wait to leave.

If I could just go somewhere else, maybe I could be different. I need to be like all of you, you have it, you lucky bastards.

I guess I just wish I could reroll.

-That One Person

It's Been A While

I haven't posted in so long. It's one of those things, like I miss a day, and then I just feel bad about missing it, so I miss it again. It's just hard to get back into, especially when no one reads it.

And why would they? I'm nothing special, or interesting. I live such a bland life usually. Either that or I just see it that way.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day, something I always dread. This year, however, may be different. There is a chance that tomorrow I might get to see someone very special to me, someone I haven't seen in forever. This girl is something special, someone who is worth it for me to unbury my heart for.

Before I talk any more about this, let me just say that I feel even more dull when so many sentences or lines in a row begin with the same letter or word. That previous paragraph all beginning with the letter t, made me feel pretty ashamed.

Anyway, it's been so long for me to not suffocate my emotions, that it terrifies me remembering how much I can actually feel. It's difficult to remember why I spent so long trying not to feel when a feeling such as the one I get when I talk to her is so... there is no word for it. The feeling is almost as if my heart is someone who has never seen daylight or the open sky before and is first stepping outside from some deep dungeon, seeing something of such beauty for the first time.

It's quite cheesy, isn't it?

The world is just a different place to me when I talk to her.

Tomorrow I may get to see her, which is absolutely terrifying, but in a good way.

So I guess this is just me thinking about how it's been awhile. Been awhile since I let my feelings to the surface. Been awhile since I've blogged. Been awhile since I've seen her.

Finals

What an awful week so far. Finals have finally arrived for this semester of college, which is the only one I've really tried for. Of course, what else has to happen during this week?

Earth Explodes?

Volcanic Eruption?

Alien Invasion?

Wrong. My wisdom teeth are coming in, and it absolutely kills. At least the end of this week should be awfully good. My annoying family is going to the Bahamas and my best friend is staying over for two nights, which always makes things better.

I really am quite awful at this whole blogging thing, I blame school assigning me ridiculously massive projects for my finals. After all, I am only human and when in doubt, blame someone else.

-That One Person